Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like rejection is your middle name? I am definitely having one of those days.
I've tried to be positive about my lack of having a significant other in my life, but over the past couple of years I feel as though I have become the doable girl, but not the dateable girl. (Not that I have been sleeping with a lot of people, don't take that the wrong way, it's just the people who I have found myself attracted to and who I could see potential in would get to know me, and then decide that there was someone out there better for them...). It's a little discouraging.
That is not the biggest form of rejection I am feeling right now, though. I finally finally had an interview for occassional teaching that could put me on the right path towards one day having my own classroom, and I have this sinking feeling that I am not getting the position. While I feel like I answered many of the questions well, I worry that the ones I tanked (and I think there were a couple) could very well be the important/deciding factors. There was no warmth when I left the interview room, no mention of when they were going to call my references and/or call me... And none of my references have mentioned to me about whether or not they were contacted. I seriously felt like crying when I left the interview, and 4 days later I am not feeling much better. People keep telling me to be positive and to take the experience, away from it, but I am getting frustrated with waiting for my career to start. I know it is partially my own fault... If I had been willing to move maybe I would have had something by now...
I constantly wonder why fate plays this dance with me. If I wasn't meant to be a teacher, why was I accepted to Teacher's College? Why give me all of these opportunities within schools which could lead to teaching, but not an actual teaching job? Am I being too cynical? I have always believed that things happen when they are meant to happen, but I am starting to wonder and maybe even worry...
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Blast from the Past
From 4 years ago...
I was looking over my old livejournal while on lunch at work yesterday, and I came across this particular post which I had written in 2006. It had no heading, it was just simply one of those smaller questionnaires I had copied from someone else. The first couple of questions/answers got me thinking about life and where I am today, and the last few made me nostalgic... I am, for the most part, still the same person I was when I wrote this four years ago... I have the same wants and needs, and most of the same views. While I wish I could take back that cruel cruel moment that my grade four or five self participated in, I also realize that that particular moment helped shape me into the person I am today. I may not have the same kind of empathy I presently possess if I didn't realize then how words can hurt. While it would be nice if I were in my career, at least I am presently making my presence in the schools known through tutoring. It keeps me in practice, and gives me excellent experience with classroom management... which I desperately need. As for not being on my own... Well, I may not be "with someone", but I am surrounded by family and a fabulous group of friends who care a great deal about me, and really, I think that I am quite content with that.
I do still need to learn to follow my gut more, though.
1) 10 years ago what did you think you would be doing now? Hmmm, 13 years old, grade 7. I was probably just thinking about what I'd be doing that summer, not worried too much about the future.
2) Where do you think you will be in 5 years from now? Hopefully within the education system somewhere, either as an EA or Teacher. And hopefully not on my own.
3) Do you live life one day at a time or look to the future? I think it depends on what is going on... I like living one day at a time, taking things as they come, but sometimes you have to make plans.
4) Do you wish you could go back in time and undo something in your life? It was grade 4 or 5. I made someone cry. I have never forgotten how hurt that person was because of what I said/did to them, and I probably never will forget. I wish I could take that moment back.
5) If you could send a message back in time and give a younger version of yourself some advice, what would it be? Trust your gut.
I was looking over my old livejournal while on lunch at work yesterday, and I came across this particular post which I had written in 2006. It had no heading, it was just simply one of those smaller questionnaires I had copied from someone else. The first couple of questions/answers got me thinking about life and where I am today, and the last few made me nostalgic... I am, for the most part, still the same person I was when I wrote this four years ago... I have the same wants and needs, and most of the same views. While I wish I could take back that cruel cruel moment that my grade four or five self participated in, I also realize that that particular moment helped shape me into the person I am today. I may not have the same kind of empathy I presently possess if I didn't realize then how words can hurt. While it would be nice if I were in my career, at least I am presently making my presence in the schools known through tutoring. It keeps me in practice, and gives me excellent experience with classroom management... which I desperately need. As for not being on my own... Well, I may not be "with someone", but I am surrounded by family and a fabulous group of friends who care a great deal about me, and really, I think that I am quite content with that.
I do still need to learn to follow my gut more, though.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Unfulfilled
I sleep, dreaming of what I want, of what I can't have. I wake up still wanting, and the reality that it may be a long time before I get it, if I ever get it, is disheartening.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
My Scars Remind Me That The Past Is Real
I can't believe that I am quoting Papa Roach, but the group brings up a very valid point. We all have scars, whether they are physical, or of a more emotional nature. These scars remind us of events that have happened in our lives, as well as of those who have made an impact, whether a family member, a friend, or maybe even a cherished animal/pet.
I can still name off every physical scar on my body and how it came to be there. I have four different areas where I received stitches: One set in the crook of each elbow from a procedure I had to have done when I was under the age of one, a tiny spot on my hand from where I was bitten by a dog when I was five, and if you lift up the hair on my head just above my right temple, I have a tiny bald spot where I received ten dissovable stitches after being hit in the head with a rock (accidentally, of course!) when I was 15. I have a dent in my leg from an IV drip I was continuously on when I was, once again, under age one. I have a very impressive long line of a scar on my left arm, although the story behind it isn't quite as impressive. (Let's just say one word: lawnchair). I most recently acquired a lovely purplish scar on my left arm from a cooking accident. While I did not put anything on it to help it heal, I feel in time it will fade... I once had a burn from my wonderful days as a fast food worker that eventually healed. I can't even recall where it was now. Frost bite scars on my legs from a stint when I was 12 or 13 have also healed. I seem to have digressed, though... The main point is that whether present or faded, I still remember the importance of each scar and a time and part of my life which they belonged to.
The emotional scars are a little harder to see, obviously. My heart is etched from those whom I have loved and lost over the years. Friends and family who I've lost touch with who were once such a big/important part of my life, those who may have passed on. It has been almost 16 years since my uncle was killed in a car accident, but I still think about him at least once a week. He was the fun, cool uncle who would always play with you, and let you do the things your parents would say no to. I can only imagine how much fun he would've been if he had been around for my teens and twenties... and now. I miss the grandparents and great-grandparents whom I never really got a chance to know, and my heart aches for the grandmother who passed away only a few years ago. I don't think I ever really got to know the person she was because until recently I just didn't appreciate the stories about the things she did in her life. My grandma was a wonderful, humorous woman, though.
Of course, there are also the scars left by those whom I have, for the lack of a better term, had a crush on, but who never returned the same feelings. From as far back as I can remember, I have always had a crush on someone. Even when I was three I was "in love" with my best friend and neighbour. I was the little girl who wold chase the boy on the playground in grade one, tackle him to the ground, and try to kiss him. This didn't work so well when he thought I had cooties. I have also always been the girl who will fall for one person at a time... Well, for the most part. When you are 12, 13, 14 it is hard to control "feelings" for just one boy. I am, however, a true monogamous. It takes a lot for me to get attached/fall for someone, but when I do, there is no one else. I have never been the girl to "sleep around." I have not yet hit the double digits. I am not going to lie and say I was in love with every guy I have slept with, but there was definitely an attraction there, and I had always known them for a good chunk of time before I actually jumped in the sack with them. Sadly, I am also the girl who can become extremely emotionally attached, even when I either A: Don't want to be or B: Try not to. This has burned me in he past, but I don't regret anything I have done, or anyone I have ever "liked". I have gotten to know some really interesting individuals, and each has left a mark on my heart.
The action which created the scars may hurt, but the scars themselves are a reminder of all that I've done so really, in the end all I can do is look back and smile.
I can still name off every physical scar on my body and how it came to be there. I have four different areas where I received stitches: One set in the crook of each elbow from a procedure I had to have done when I was under the age of one, a tiny spot on my hand from where I was bitten by a dog when I was five, and if you lift up the hair on my head just above my right temple, I have a tiny bald spot where I received ten dissovable stitches after being hit in the head with a rock (accidentally, of course!) when I was 15. I have a dent in my leg from an IV drip I was continuously on when I was, once again, under age one. I have a very impressive long line of a scar on my left arm, although the story behind it isn't quite as impressive. (Let's just say one word: lawnchair). I most recently acquired a lovely purplish scar on my left arm from a cooking accident. While I did not put anything on it to help it heal, I feel in time it will fade... I once had a burn from my wonderful days as a fast food worker that eventually healed. I can't even recall where it was now. Frost bite scars on my legs from a stint when I was 12 or 13 have also healed. I seem to have digressed, though... The main point is that whether present or faded, I still remember the importance of each scar and a time and part of my life which they belonged to.
The emotional scars are a little harder to see, obviously. My heart is etched from those whom I have loved and lost over the years. Friends and family who I've lost touch with who were once such a big/important part of my life, those who may have passed on. It has been almost 16 years since my uncle was killed in a car accident, but I still think about him at least once a week. He was the fun, cool uncle who would always play with you, and let you do the things your parents would say no to. I can only imagine how much fun he would've been if he had been around for my teens and twenties... and now. I miss the grandparents and great-grandparents whom I never really got a chance to know, and my heart aches for the grandmother who passed away only a few years ago. I don't think I ever really got to know the person she was because until recently I just didn't appreciate the stories about the things she did in her life. My grandma was a wonderful, humorous woman, though.
Of course, there are also the scars left by those whom I have, for the lack of a better term, had a crush on, but who never returned the same feelings. From as far back as I can remember, I have always had a crush on someone. Even when I was three I was "in love" with my best friend and neighbour. I was the little girl who wold chase the boy on the playground in grade one, tackle him to the ground, and try to kiss him. This didn't work so well when he thought I had cooties. I have also always been the girl who will fall for one person at a time... Well, for the most part. When you are 12, 13, 14 it is hard to control "feelings" for just one boy. I am, however, a true monogamous. It takes a lot for me to get attached/fall for someone, but when I do, there is no one else. I have never been the girl to "sleep around." I have not yet hit the double digits. I am not going to lie and say I was in love with every guy I have slept with, but there was definitely an attraction there, and I had always known them for a good chunk of time before I actually jumped in the sack with them. Sadly, I am also the girl who can become extremely emotionally attached, even when I either A: Don't want to be or B: Try not to. This has burned me in he past, but I don't regret anything I have done, or anyone I have ever "liked". I have gotten to know some really interesting individuals, and each has left a mark on my heart.
The action which created the scars may hurt, but the scars themselves are a reminder of all that I've done so really, in the end all I can do is look back and smile.
Monday, May 03, 2010
New Beginnings
Wow, it certainly has been a long time since I have ventured into the world of blogging. I actually created this blog roughly 4 years ago as a replacement for my Livejournal, and then I never proceeded to make an entry. Truth be told, I never really have been great at keeping journals or diaries. The Livejournal was probably the only "journal" I actually ever frequently updated, but it was mostly so I could vent about roommate issues... and school issues... and boy issues... The fact that I had a couple of readers (aka one of my good friends, as well as an old high school friend) to comment on what I was writing was probably incentive for me. Not this time, though. No one knows I have started to write again. (And I use this term in the loosest possible meaning... I am by no means a "writer"). I just basically need a place to get my thoughts out of my head...
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